I've been trying to find somewhere I belong for a long time now. I've been reflecting on things I now see I missed the first time around. Social cues, weird rules, things that I wouldn't have cared about anyway even if I had known to be aware of them.
There was a time I thought I found my people, but it didn't last. I used to hang out every Saturday. We'd talk books, movies, TV, video games, or whatever was popular culture of the time. I even asked one of the guys to be my best man in my wedding. (He kinda ghosted me and someone I knew even less stood in. That stand up dude was swell, but damn I bet this was weird to him in retrospect.)
One time I was renting video tapes with my girlfriend when she excitedly squeed about one of the boxes on the shelf. The Doom Generation had a Rose McGowan cover and she was a big fan. We rented something else that day. Later that evening someone who worked at the store called my house to accuse us of stealing the box. It turned out to be a prank from someone I was in high school with. I don't want this memory, there's nothing good I can do with it other than highlight that people can suck and my girlfriend had good taste. This just made me feel unwanted as the butt of a joke. Some folks told me to get over it, but that means what? Forget it? That's not how memory works. Detach my emotions from it? Ok, tell me how. Look for the positive? That movie sucked but we had good enough taste to recognize it.
I moved to a new state because I didn't feel like I belonged. There's a good amount of bless-your-heart masking and while most of those folks have good intentions, the lack of sincerity hurt my brain. I'm optimistic about people, always have been. My tone sometimes reflects otherwise, but tone can be misrepresented pretty easily.
There's more to this for me to explore.